This is probably one of the first pieces of advice an attorney will give you during a child custody dispute. If your problems cannot be resolved and a hearing is needed a diary of events may be invaluable.
What should you be tracking? If you child tells you about an event that happened at the other house that concerns you. If it is serious you should discuss it with the other parent and log the event. Also any time you receive communications that are insulting or threatening. Basically if there is anything that seems important you should take the time to log it down.
Why should I log these events? If your case ends up in an evidential hearing random statements do not mean a lot. However if you have all the events recorded and dated they become much more reliable. It gives you additional credibility. Logging a diary can help you avoid a he said, she said battle.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Types of Attorney Representation
In recent years a trend has begun to avoid court involvement. In family law this trend has been seen with mediation and collaborative law. Traditionally people hired an attorney who represented them and attempted to negotiate a settlement while preparing for trial. If the settlement efforts never came to fruit then the parties went to trial. Today new alternatives have become available.
Mediation is an alternative to this traditional attorney representation. In mediation the parties will attempt to resolve their problems during face to face conversation managed my a mediator. The mediator will make sure the conversations are focused on resolution by limiting abuse and insults. Mediation can be a very effective tool to resolve family law disputes when emotions have calmed down or there is no history of abuse.
Collaborative law offers a second alternative that may be more helpful if the parties are unable or unwilling to sit down together to discuss their problems. With collaborative law both parties agree not to involve the courts and each party has a separate attorney to negotiate on their behalf. This allows both sides to avoid the conflict involved with going to court and allows attorneys to filter communications between the parties. If mediation seems like a poor fit for family law issues then collaborative law may be more appropriate.
I am a believer in the power of mediation and collaborative law. Both can be very effective, cost less than trials and avoid unnecessary conflict. However in some cases they should be avoided. If there is a history of abuse or some factors that make private negotiations detrimental to one party, involving the court may actually help. The court may provide a needed authority figure. In addition failure to comply with a court order may be civilly and criminally punishable.
Whatever your needs, legal representation may come in numerous forms. It is important to remember that family law issues are not all typical and your particular issues should dictate how you choose to resolve them.
Mediation is an alternative to this traditional attorney representation. In mediation the parties will attempt to resolve their problems during face to face conversation managed my a mediator. The mediator will make sure the conversations are focused on resolution by limiting abuse and insults. Mediation can be a very effective tool to resolve family law disputes when emotions have calmed down or there is no history of abuse.
Collaborative law offers a second alternative that may be more helpful if the parties are unable or unwilling to sit down together to discuss their problems. With collaborative law both parties agree not to involve the courts and each party has a separate attorney to negotiate on their behalf. This allows both sides to avoid the conflict involved with going to court and allows attorneys to filter communications between the parties. If mediation seems like a poor fit for family law issues then collaborative law may be more appropriate.
I am a believer in the power of mediation and collaborative law. Both can be very effective, cost less than trials and avoid unnecessary conflict. However in some cases they should be avoided. If there is a history of abuse or some factors that make private negotiations detrimental to one party, involving the court may actually help. The court may provide a needed authority figure. In addition failure to comply with a court order may be civilly and criminally punishable.
Whatever your needs, legal representation may come in numerous forms. It is important to remember that family law issues are not all typical and your particular issues should dictate how you choose to resolve them.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Adjusting your perspective
A piece of advice I would give all parents facing custody issues would be to change their perspective from "my rights" to "best interest of my child." Many parents approach child custody disputes saying their rights are not being protected or they are being screwed or I am being deprived.
What I am saying here is not to change what you expect, but to change how you approach the problem. Many parents think my custody agreement is not fair to me because I only have 25% custody. Change this to the existing custody agreement does not meet my child's needs because he is being deprived the opportunity to develop a relationship with both of his parents. It is not changing what you conceive as a problem but taking the focus from you to your child.
If more parents would take this approach child custody it would filter out a lot of problems that are merely frustration and it would help parents communicate their concerns in a way that is more likely to be appreciated by the other parent. In addition to making discussions more likely between parents, the courts also use "child's best interest" as their standard determining custody issues.
This is not some magic that will fix child custody disputes, but if parents are forced to articulate their concerns in this fashion it may help lead to less conflict and more productive conversations.
What I am saying here is not to change what you expect, but to change how you approach the problem. Many parents think my custody agreement is not fair to me because I only have 25% custody. Change this to the existing custody agreement does not meet my child's needs because he is being deprived the opportunity to develop a relationship with both of his parents. It is not changing what you conceive as a problem but taking the focus from you to your child.
If more parents would take this approach child custody it would filter out a lot of problems that are merely frustration and it would help parents communicate their concerns in a way that is more likely to be appreciated by the other parent. In addition to making discussions more likely between parents, the courts also use "child's best interest" as their standard determining custody issues.
This is not some magic that will fix child custody disputes, but if parents are forced to articulate their concerns in this fashion it may help lead to less conflict and more productive conversations.
An Objective Eye
As a family law attorney I feel it is my job to understand your situation and craft a strategy that best meets your needs. The actual process of divorce does not really change, but each marriage is so unique and the reasons you have chosen to end your marriage are unique to you. So deciding whether to try mediation, considering counseling or co-parenting classes will be based on your needs.
Many times a marriage full of fighting leads to a divorce full of fighting, followed by more fighting that seems to never end. If the point of divorce is to leave behind the pain and fighting then why do some people keep fighting? A lot of the time the fighting continues over custody issues and children find themselves in an unending fight. In these types of divorce the first impulse for many couples is to get attorneys and fight over everything when that is probably the opposite of what they need. They already know how to fight and they need help finding non-confrontational ways to communicate. These people need to let go of the existing hostile relationship and find a way to create a new business like relationship. Mediation may be useful as it would force them to actually talk and listen in a controlled atmosphere. This may be the first step of evolving away fighting to co-existing.
Another common scenario at divorce is when one spouse maintains a dominant role over the other. Whether there was abuse, one spouse is very controlling or one spouse is just very timid these divorces are much different that the ones above. With the marriages above the goal is to teach the parties to communicate because they are negotiating on an equal level. In these divorces the possibility of manipulation or intimidation can be very harmful so additional steps must be taken to ensure both sides are protected. Here each side needs separate representation from an attorney to ensure the divorce is safe. Collaborative law can offer a means to avoid the courts. Collaborative law allows a settlement to be reached by attorneys. Sometimes though this is not enough. If the relationship was so unbalanced sometimes it takes the authority of the court to manage the case. Co-parenting classes and therapy can also help the spouses develop a more even relationship over time but it is unrealistic to expect the spouses to be able to handle their problems on their own.
Some divorces may be much simpler than the two scenarios above. Sometimes the couple have terminated the intimacy and emotion of the relationship long ago and just stayed together for the children or money. In these situations there may be minimal conflict and the parties are probably capable of working through their case in less time. Mediation will likely be very effective and an attorney can draft all the proper documents.
Whatever your situation divorce is not just a simple mechanical procedure. Each marriage involves two unique individuals with unique problems that need to be understood. Divorce is not only the termination of the marriage but agreeing on how future communications will be handled.
Many times a marriage full of fighting leads to a divorce full of fighting, followed by more fighting that seems to never end. If the point of divorce is to leave behind the pain and fighting then why do some people keep fighting? A lot of the time the fighting continues over custody issues and children find themselves in an unending fight. In these types of divorce the first impulse for many couples is to get attorneys and fight over everything when that is probably the opposite of what they need. They already know how to fight and they need help finding non-confrontational ways to communicate. These people need to let go of the existing hostile relationship and find a way to create a new business like relationship. Mediation may be useful as it would force them to actually talk and listen in a controlled atmosphere. This may be the first step of evolving away fighting to co-existing.
Another common scenario at divorce is when one spouse maintains a dominant role over the other. Whether there was abuse, one spouse is very controlling or one spouse is just very timid these divorces are much different that the ones above. With the marriages above the goal is to teach the parties to communicate because they are negotiating on an equal level. In these divorces the possibility of manipulation or intimidation can be very harmful so additional steps must be taken to ensure both sides are protected. Here each side needs separate representation from an attorney to ensure the divorce is safe. Collaborative law can offer a means to avoid the courts. Collaborative law allows a settlement to be reached by attorneys. Sometimes though this is not enough. If the relationship was so unbalanced sometimes it takes the authority of the court to manage the case. Co-parenting classes and therapy can also help the spouses develop a more even relationship over time but it is unrealistic to expect the spouses to be able to handle their problems on their own.
Some divorces may be much simpler than the two scenarios above. Sometimes the couple have terminated the intimacy and emotion of the relationship long ago and just stayed together for the children or money. In these situations there may be minimal conflict and the parties are probably capable of working through their case in less time. Mediation will likely be very effective and an attorney can draft all the proper documents.
Whatever your situation divorce is not just a simple mechanical procedure. Each marriage involves two unique individuals with unique problems that need to be understood. Divorce is not only the termination of the marriage but agreeing on how future communications will be handled.
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